Invisible

May 18, 2009

Heartbeat at 120 bps.

I noticed you’re online and I don’t really know if I should stay invisible. Got all these butterflies again. Can you actually believe that I am wussing out again—especially on a Monday.

Besides you’re probably busy. You’d probably rather not hear a buzz from me.

And I am here, containing myself from double-clicking on your name and starting a casual non-stalking message like perhaps let’s say. “Hi, How’s your Monday?” or “Hey, did you take your lunch already?”. Something really platonic and plain and yeah, we’re just friends. JUST is my operative word. 

Bleah. Been spending the next 3 minutes trying to decide whether I stay invisible or not!. And it’s not cool. You’re taking my time. my time so precious and yet here I am spastic and really just freaking out. 

And what if you just ignore me. I mean sure, you’re not the type who would ignore me blatantly. You’d still reply and be politely saying ” Uhm, so I’m pretty busy. Maybe later okay”, except yours would actually sound better and if I’m too naive I wouldn’t take that as a hint that YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO AND I SHOULDN’T BE BUGGING YOU.

You’re always nice you know. And that niceness is really overwhelming and can be mistaken for some other things. Sure you’re all nice to probably anyone or any living thing for that matter.

So yeah, I’m watching the minutes go by, wasting the last few seconds of my lunch time staring at the monitor and that little chat window.

BUZZ

Except it didn’t came from me. Apparently, I wasn’t that invisible as I thought I was because I thought I logged as invisible to everyone. But NOOOOOOO. 

So there. And those butterflies won’t just stop and yes I am happy again. Patheticly grinning like a little catholic school girl.

And calmly and collective I answered your greeting trying to sound really casual and unscathed. And I wonder if you notice this childish attempts to make pacute. Yup, PA-THE-TIC.

I invisibly bury myself under an imaginary pillow.  Yes, completely immature to the point of causing unwanted attention from the next cubicle.

And we talked and talked and felt that even if all the shit has been thrown at me today like I have a sign that says YES, DUMP ALL YOUR SHIT HERE, still you made me smile. 

Who do I thank here? Yes, God. I thank you for people that acknowledges that I am not a dumpsite of all the shit in the world.

And so lunch break is over. I don’t want to abuse this priveledge of having unlimited internet time. I’m not that insensitive to take all your time too. But i don’t want all this to end. Not now. So I said GTG and you said OK. LATERZ.

And I didn’t reply.  But I hope you know that if I had the chance to stay I would. LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I BEING ALL MELODRAMATIC ABOUT??????????? It’s just a freaking chat. 

 

Stain

You’re like a stain.

Like dirty laundry 

You’re a stain

In my brain.

 Catching up with a friend.It’s been a while since we last talked. Weird feeling in my stomach. Can’t really get rid of it. Those instant messages..arrrgh. What the hell am I going to do you’re making me giggle like a school girl. This is baddddd! Bad I tell you. FOCUS. I NEED TO FOCUS.

 

A New Skin

Felt like it was time to shed some skin so to speak.

New dreams but same old crappy self. Ah life. 

How do you like it?

Cryptic Smile

Today, I received the same smile you always give me. Felt confused.

I’d like to stare at your crazy eyes. But this piling work prevented me from doing so.

My heart just sank deeper in my stomach. I need coffee.